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Rev. Frank Desiderio: Oh My God: What Is God?

2009-11-28T22:09:51Z

For the past month, HuffPost has hosted an array of respondents -- including spiritual leaders, world leaders, personalities and celebrities -- who are asked to fill in the blank for the statement: God is...

The series led up to and accompanied the November 13 opening of the documentary Oh My God?

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God is a word we use to describe the Ultimate Reality. All language about God is metaphorical, given that, I agree with Ringo Star who says at the end of the film Oh My God? that "God is Love". Now let me tell you what I mean by Divine Love.

I am convinced that built into our DNA is a moral law, and that law can best be described as love that goes out of itself to create. This moral law in us is remnant of our own creation. That creation occurred when what we call God went out of the God-self. This going out of Self to create something other than Self is what I call Divine Love.

God went out of God's Self to create and the universe is the result. That creation continued from space to light to planets, like Earth, to beings to human beings. In the Christian tradition we believe that God went out of himself to come to us in history in the person of Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ, in his person, gave us the exemplar of self-giving love and taught us how to be self-gift. Through Christ we learn that this giving of self is the core of what it is to be a human being.

Love is not a romantic feeling, love is more than the urge to procreate, however, procreation shows us the nature of the Law of Love. Two people go out of themselves to create another self. They make sacrifices to nurture that other self and so, the Law of Love is perpetuated.

In the Christian tradition the symbol of this going out of self in love is the cross of Jesus Christ. The ultimate gift of self is to give your life in service to others. Jesus, out of integrity to the truth of his relationship with the Ultimate Reality, refused to renounce this truth and the law of love at the heart of his truth. His fidelity got him killed but allowed a deeper truth to emerge: Love does not die.

An important expression of this self-gift we call love is compassion. When we deeply examine our humanity and our needs we become aware that we share that humanity and our needs with others. Our common humanity can touch the common humanity of another. We remember when we were hungry or cold or sick or trapped in a bad situation and we identify with someone who is in a similar situation. We don't say of them, "Oh, that poor thing." We say, "Oh, that poor person." And we consider how we can help them and then we do something, we express our compassion with action. This is the Law of Love at work. To follow this law may require deep sacrifice but it also puts us in harmony with the deepest truth of our selves.

First we look deeply in ourselves and discover our common humanity. Then, for those of a mystical mindset, that is those who recognize a transcendent reality, they look deeply in themselves and discover the Ultimate Reality dwelling in them and can recognize that Ultimate Reality in another person.

A most significant expression of compassion is forgiveness. We give a gift to someone who doesn't deserve it. The gift is releasing the perpetrator from any emotional debt they owe us and renouncing revenge thoughts. We may still need to seek justice. The person who harmed us may need to pay a debt to us or to society but we do not seek retribution. We let go of negative feelings and wish them well.

The Law of Love is worked out in the practicalities of compassion and forgiveness. This Law of Love reflects the nature of what we call God and is built into our human nature. Obviously, people don't follow the Law of Love and when they don't suffering is the result. When we do follow the Law of Love we find ourselves in harmony with our deepest selves and the Ultimate Reality we call God.

Read the previous responses, from Oh My God?'s director Peter Rodger; Dr. Lawrence Blair; Demartini Institute founder Dr. John Demartini; and pastor/filmmaker Frank Desiderio.

Maria Rodale: Top 10 Things We Can All Be Thankful For In America

2009-11-28T15:00:30Z

I know it's after Thanksgiving, but it's never too late to be thankful. And 2009 feels like it's been a really, really hard year. Still, I'm wondering if I can come up with a list that we can all agree on ... because it feels like there has been so much divisiveness in the world these days. So let's start with that one.

1. The freedom to be divisive. Sure, we all like to complain about all the yapping people we don't agree with, whatever side they are on. But we live in a country where all that yapping is legal. We could live in a place where yapping leads to death or disappearance. We don't. We should all be thankful for that.

2. Indoor plumbing. I read an article somewhere about how brides in India are demanding toilets in exchange for marriage. Billions of people around the world don't have indoor plumbing. Not only is it unsanitary, it's also dangerous.

3. Mostly clean water. Sure, we are mucking it up with toxins and pharmaceuticals, but if we are thirsty, we can pretty much find a cool drink of water anywhere -- even if we have to pay for it. It doesn't make us sick. It doesn't kill our children with waterborne illnesses that lead to death.

4. Public education. Go ahead, complain all you want about how bad it is. But at least we have it. It's not as good as in many other countries, but at least it's there, and all kids are expected to go to school and get educated -- girls as well as boys.

5. Coffee. It's legal. There are no major health problems associated with it. It makes the world go around. Ok, it makes my world go around. I'm thankful for that.

6. Music. Think about the world 100 years ago. The only music people could listen to had to be performed live. Isn't that so weird? We have just come to expect that we can listen to anything, anytime, and anywhere. And we can. That would have been unfathomable to people in previous centuries.

7. Books and magazines. I know, I know, I'm in the business (which makes me even more thankful). But again, from the comfort of our beds and couches we can travel back in time, forward in time, to any place in the world and into worlds that don't even exist except in a writer's mind. The other night my daughter said: "I wish I could go online and buy a book and have it five minutes later." And I said, "You can. It's called a Kindle." Of course, we couldn't get it to work (close ... so close!). But it's the thought that counts. It's possible in the real world.

8. The Internet. How did we find things before the Internet? Whether it's the location of a restaurant or an old friend you haven't seen since high school, we can now find almost anything instantly.

9. Sex. You can all disagree about the details and parameters, but the fact remains that it's not only good for your health, but it feels good too. Whoever invented it deserves our thanks.

10. Love. Take away everything else and the only thing that really matters is love. But all the other things make love more pleasurable. Can you imagine the horror of watching your child, whom you love so much, die from a disease that was preventable just by having clean water to drink? Life is painful and miserable and often filled with horrific tragedy. But love is really the only cure. We are very lucky here in America to have many barriers to love removed -- we can marry for love and have indoor plumbing.

Don't forget it.

Julia Moulden: Banks Giving: Now That's The Holiday Spirit!

2009-11-28T13:37:00Z

Why is "Banks Giving" a headline we never expect to read? And isn't it time we acted in unison to do something about that?

Like you, I've grown increasingly uneasy about the money financial institutions are making. And the obscene bonuses paid to senior people (you can be sure that tellers aren't in line for such excess).

I've been wondering what the average person can do - in addition to sending clear messages to our leaders. An interesting story out of Australia (written by Keith Bradsher of the New York Times) shows the power of activism. After years of complaints by small business (retailers and restaurants), banks and credit card companies reduced merchant fees. The story also shows the limits. As fast as regulators came up with restrictions, banks came up with new fees. It's a vicious (and I do mean vicious) circle.

I started thinking about all of this in New Radical terms. Instead of waiting for someone else to solve the world's problems, New Radicals say, "I can do it!". And they come up with positive, constructive, and hopeful approaches. So, if straightforward activism (viz Australia) has its limits, what else can we do?

Can we get off the financial grid altogether?

I'm not talking about the proverbial mattress or even local trading coupons. I'm looking for ideas that work in our 21st century world. I want to hear about smart, sustainable financial alternatives. Has anyone started a "good" bank - and, if so, why haven't we all heard about it? What other options are out there, or in the works? I've been writing about "good" venture capitalists, including the SOCAP conference last September in San Francisco (which was attended by every major financial institution - they know something's up). What about day-to-day banking? Mortgages? Credit cards?

What are you doing? What have you heard about? How can a new breed of financial institution help bring our ailing world back to full health? How might we encourage the banks of today to start thinking like the banks of tomorrow? How can we help them see that we exist not only for ourselves but also for each other? Because, well, that's what this holiday season is all about.

Please share your thoughts by commenting below. As always, I invite you to email me at JULIA (familiar symbol) wearethenewradicals (symbol) (COM).

Julia Moulden is on tour, talking about the New Radicals. She doesn't leave home without them.

Tara Stiles: Your Holiday Relaxation Rescue Guide (VIDEO)

2009-11-28T13:34:53Z

Wouldn't it be nice to fully relax the body and mind. Reserving some time for ourselves around the holidays seems so far away from the reality of forced spending, emotional exhaustion, and general frustration. What ever happened to peace, love and harmony? There still is hope. No matter how robbed we feel by the state of our country, family, and friends, we can reserve a few moments to remedy our inner peace. Everything begins here.

I think there are two great ways to relax around the holidays. One is to spend a little time taking your mind off your mind. For most of us our usual way of being is all attention on a very active mind, always thinking, planning, and figuring things out. The very idea of letting this go even creates all kinds of defensive arguments, which can run something like "If I stop my thinking, who'll run the show, feed the kids, and keep me from turning into one of those "blissed out" types incapable of navigating this world?" This is a very reasonable question!

We can start by setting our minds at rest, since that's where the question comes from. We're not talking about a permanent shut-down. We all have plenty of practice running the show from our thinking control center, so there's little chance of losing that ability for when we need it. What can help us immeasurably is letting go a little bit, just enough to turn attention to something other than our thoughts. Things like meditation and physical yoga often pick breathing and moving as good starting points. When everything is focused on our thinking, there's very little room to hear or feel anything else. Focus on your breath for a bit, and you start to notice things. Spending a little time to relax your mind and give yourself the chance to feel can have a very calming effect. You may notice that you feel good!

This brings up a second way to relax that is helpful right around now. It's related to the first because it involves letting go just for a bit all the reaching, planning, and figuring out. The best way to get where you want to go is to be right where you are. Everybody knows that, but sometimes a reminder is helpful. Again, for most of us the logical challenges can come right up with a statement like that, running along the lines of "If I don't plan and figure things out, how will anything ever get done around here?"

Our logical minds can definitely have a hard time dealing with paradoxes. The thing is, reality isn't bound by logic. It just is. Science will keep trying to measure and predict, how things are will keep on being how things are, and this will often perplex our ability to predict and control through logic. In this case the truth is, being exactly where we are, with all our senses focused precisely on what's in front of us right now, is a good way to feel calm and happy. And it's also the best way to get anywhere. If we need a rational explanation for that, it may have something to do with being "right here" enough to see things for how they are gives us greater ability to act appropriately. When our minds wander off, we deal less with reality and more with fitting things into what we imagine as a path to some future desire.

However we explain it, being happy to be right where we are is a good idea. Taking a little time off the mind through some breathing and yoga can go a long way to helping us relax and get wherever it is we need to be. Try checking out this video for a start in the right direction.

. . . and if that doesn't work here is a little holiday humor for you!

Dr. Irene S. Levine: How to handle a fizzling friendship

2009-11-28T04:01:23Z

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

I've been friends for three years with a guy at my office. We became friends after a really rough period in which I was demoted, isolated, and treated quite shabbily, though I couldn't afford to leave and wasn't in the best psychological state to do so (like, I was in need of health-insurance-paid therapy to restore myself). Only after laying a potential legal case before HR did I get the option of working in a different area at our office, with a different group, and things have stabilized. Our friendship helped me endure those dark days. We had spontaneous, one-on-one happy hours and bull sessions on the way home (since we live a few blocks from each other), dinners, etc. He's worked at our office a decade, in the somewhat protective bubble of our IT department, and has seen it all.

Just to clarify things: He is gay, and I am a heterosexual woman, so no crushes there. We are both moderate introverts who value our privacy and down time, though my friend acts way more outgoing than he really is. We tend to keep our "circles" of friends separate, and we prefer to keep our intimate (platonic) relationship at work quiet, as well as our outside interests. We work in a high-powered, hyper-aggressive, alpha male-dominated environment that is rife with sex, race, and age discrimination, and those who haven't been driven out by that know each other, though none of us really have much in common. My friend and I became friends because we did.

In any case, lately my friend has adopted this "I love you, now go away" persona that's testing my patience. Every few months I get the occasional drunk dial about how much he wants to be a good friend and sees me as a "little sister," but then, when I reach out and offer to do something nice for him, or just want to spend time, I get the wall of silence - like unreturned text messages and phone calls (like once a week), or avoidance at the office.

He said he wanted to travel to California with me for my birthday a few days, yet when it came time to commit the money a couple of weeks before, he "disappeared." Then he seemed offended after I returned, know that I took another good friend of mine with me. I didn't even give him any crap about it, though I certainly felt like it.

This back and forth has been going on for months. Still we see each other everyday, though there's more distance, but it remains cordial. It seems he's perfectly content to engage me when it's convenient for him, and while I enjoy his company when this happens, I feel kind of used. When we do talk, he dominates the conversation and listens little, either about me or about the advice that he asks me for about his own slightly frenetic life. He tends to complain that many, but not all, of his friends, some of whom are "in the life," are superficial, expect too much, and give too little. He says some judge him more harshly now because he's gained weight and is over 40.

Yet I see on Facebook and elsewhere that he has no problems "festing" with these same folks, or helping to save them from themselves in some way. Fine, that's his business, but here I am, a friend who accepts him for who he is, and I feel like I'm getting the short end of the stick. I'm trying to give him a chance, but I don't even feel like waiting around for his next "appearance" to tell him that this behavior is killing the vibe. As an introvert, it's not easy doing the emotional miner's work to cultivate rich, long-lasting friendships. I've had so-called friends treat me like this before, though some years ago, so I've developed surgical precision in cutting people off once I'm done. He's tap dancing on that edge of no-man's land, here. What would you recommend?

Signed,
Ella

ANSWER:

Dear Ella:

It sounds like you had a really close and easy relationship with your friend, which was especially important to you at a time when you were having so many difficulties at work. So I can understand your disappointment when such a satisfying and significant relationship suddenly changes and your friend becomes mercurial, distant, and not very reliable.

I suspect that something (or a series of things) has transpired in his life that he hasn't told you about; he, himself, may not even be consciously aware of what's happening. You mention that he's gained weight, is drinking too much, and is making inappropriate late-night calls. He's feeling judged by others and feels like the people around him are letting him down. He's just reached his 40th birthday, which may be a time when he's assessing what he's accomplished in his own life. He may be depressed.

You need to talk to him and communicate your concerns about him and your friendship. Let him know how these changes are affecting your relationship and that you feel badly about it. This will open the door for him to talk to you more openly if he chooses to---if not, at least he will think about what you have told him.

I know this has to hit you particularly hard because you have invested a lot of yourself in the relationship but it sounds like the issues have more to do with him than with you, per se. If you can't communicate, he may just need some time to struggle with what's bothering him and come out the other end.

Hope this is helpful.

Best,
Irene

Have a question about friendship? Send it to The Friendship Doctor.

Irene S. Levine, PhD is a freelance journalist and author. She holds an appointment as a professor of psychiatry at the New York University School of Medicine. Her new book about female friendships, Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend, was recently published by Overlook Press. She also blogs about female friendships at The Friendship Blog and at PsychologyToday.com.

Jay Michaelson: An Introduction To Kabbalah Part 5: Choosing A Teacher

2009-11-27T21:05:40Z

Over the last few weeks, we've begun exploring what Kabbalah is, and how it can function as a contemporary spiritual practice. A number of you have asked how to find, and choose, a teacher, so I thought I'd address that question now.

As we've explored already, learning Kabbalah is different from learning other subjects. If Kabbalah is treated as a spiritual practice, then it is more than book learning, and the personal qualities of a teacher are essential. At the same time, if Kabbalah is separated from "book learning," it's quite far removed from classical Kabbalah itself, which is text-centered. Ungrounded learning also runs the risk of being, well, bogus - there are plenty of folks out there, well-meaning and not, who really just don't know their sources. What you get from them might be inspiring, but it's "Kabbalah" in name only. Let the seeker beware -- and let the seeker also be mindful about which approach she is choosing (academic, traditional, magical, commercial) and which approaches she might explore as well.

Choosing Kabbalah teachers involves more questions of trust than, say, finding someone to teach you Spanish. Because of the personal nature of the wisdom, because of its many faces, and because of its sheer size and breadth, what you receive depends in large part on choices your teacher makes -- choices to which you don't really have full access. Being a student means you don't know what your teacher knows, and therefore you have to trust that they are making skillful decisions in teaching.
I think there are a few basic principles which ought to guide how you look for a teacher. Some of these are common sense, others a little more specialized in nature.

1. Try to get to know your teacher as a full human being. There's a famous Hasidic story about a hasid going to learn with his rebbe not to learn any particular text, but rather to see how he ties his shoelaces. The point is that true wisdom affects everything about us, not just how we sit and read a book; the true teaching, as in Zen, is life itself.

So, in researching possible teachers, it might be useful to ask questions like: How much money is this person making from the teaching of Kabbalah? Does this person's family/personal life seem healthy? What motives does this person seem to have, in teaching Kabbalah? Is s/he patient, or quick to anger? Generous, or stingy? Of course, there are many mystical teachers who use anger or other aggressive behavior for the well-being of the student. But you should be able to see whether that's the case for yourself.

2. Trust the "vibe." I've met teachers of mysticism who have a lot of technical knowledge, but who seem emotionally unstable, or involved with a lot of anger or fear. I've met some who seem overly concerned with money. And I've met teachers who, in a profound way, just don't seem to "get it," at least not from a spiritual point of view.

What's more, many non-religious academic teachers of mine clearly do "get it" spiritually, in a way that many very religiously observant teachers clearly do not; you can't judge on appearances, or the length of someone's beard. Learn that balance between openness and vigilance, intuition and self-questioning -- and trust the vibe.

3. Get a sense of their priorities. Personally, I tend to emphasize the contemplative and theological sides of Kabbalah over, say, the astrological and magical sides. I am not particularly interested in magick, the occult, divination, and so on -- not because I don't think there's wisdom there, but because it has not been my path.

You should be able to tell pretty quickly where your prospective teacher is coming from. Do they regard Kabbalah as an academic subject matter, quirky and weird but ultimately just a curiosity? Do they leap to Aleister Crowley and other magick-oriented authorities to "unveil" the occult meanings? I prize a balance between intellectual rigor and spiritual openness. You may prefer skepticism, or enthusiasm, or something else. Be aware of these priorities.

4. Know the signals. Here's one simple, trivial one -- not very significant, but surprisingly accurate: spelling. Every intellectually rigorous teacher of Kabbalah whom I know of spells the word, in English transliteration, "Kabbalah." Spellings like Qabala, Cabala, Kabala, and Qabbalah (and, to a lesser extent, "sephirot") -- these telegraph, to me, less in-depth knowledge of the Kabbalah and more familiarity with, again, Crowley-esque readings of it. That's fine, if that's what you want -- but know the signals. (Ironically, Qabala is actually more grammatically accurate, since the Hebrew letter qoof is "equivalent" to Q, whereas kaf is equivalent to K.)

Also look for signposts like "who wrote the Zohar," which clue you in to how the teacher relates to academic scholarship: if they regard the Zohar as the work of the 2nd century sage Rabbi Shimon Bar Yochai, they are preferring the traditional view to the academic one; if not, then the reverse. Which you prefer is up to you. For some students, academic rigor is a "must-have" if they are to gain confidence in their teachers. For others, it's a dry waste of time. For some students, teachers who emphasize the ritual mitzvot are trying to proselytize; for others, they're adding the necessary embodiment to the Kabbalah. Look for the signals, try out different approaches, and choose carefully.

5. See what they know - and whether it matters to you. Does your teacher read Hebrew fluently? Can s/he navigate the Aramaic of the Zohar? If not, s/he is unable to interact directly with the teachings of the Kabbalah -- period. Again, this may or may not matter. If someone has a deep and beautiful soul, but can't read the texts, that may be more important to you than having a learned scholar who's emotionally tone deaf. But at least you'll make that decision consciously. Other questions to ask might include: Who is your favorite Hasidic master? Where did you learn Kabbalah? Who were your teachers? To me, these questions count.

6. Follow the money. More on the Kabbalah Centre specifically below -- but in general, you should not be paying lots of money to learn Kabbalah. Never pay more than $50 for a book or a class. Kabbalah teachers don't need to be monks, but they shouldn't be making millions off of mysticism. It suggests the priorities are off.

7. What about the Kabbalah Centre? I'll have more to say about Madonna's teachers in a future post, and have written about them elsewhere already, but it's impossible to talk about finding a Kabbalah teacher without mentioning the Kabbalah Centre, which is the largest Kabbalah organization in the world. The situation is complex.

On the one hand, much of the media's coverage of the Centre is tainted by an overly skeptical view of mystical practice in general: most reporters who cover the Centre seem so dubious of mysticism generally, that of course they're going to find fault, call it a cult, and make fun of those who go to it. On the other hand, there are many aspects of the Kabbalah Centre's methodology which concern me. First, their products are needlessly expensive -- charging $30 for a package of red strings, or $700 for a Zohar, is really dubious. Just the amount of commercialism in the Centre in the first place (I have been to the Centre, as well as read many of its publications) is disturbing, and, I think, distorts what Kabbalah is.

Second, and relatedly, are the high-pressure ways in which students are called on the phone, encouraged to attend more classes, etc. This is either cult-like or commercial or both, and authentic teachers don't engage in such tactics. But even apart from financial matters , I think there are aspects of how the Centre teaches Kabbalah that should give one pause. The emphasis on enhancing one's own personal power, redolent of the human potential movement, is anathema to much of theosophical and prophetic Kabbalah; the Centre is basically teaching practical Kabbalah.

Similarly, the insistence that the Zohar and other texts have magical properties - that you can derive benefit from "scanning" or even just owning a copy - has roots in practical Kabbalah, but not in other forms. So too the use of Divine and angelic names, and the belief that everything that happens to you is, actually, somehow within your control. So, it's not that the Kabbalah Centre is completely inauthentic --it's that they are teaching the magical stuff, not the contemplative material which I and others believe is truly transformative. (This actually reflects the educational lineage of the Centre's founder, Rabbi Philip Berg.)

At the end of the day, I do not advise my students to learn at the Kabbalah Centre. There's too much money, too much pizzazz, and too much emphasis on magic for my taste. But I am not one of those who demean it either. They do have an interesting, skillful way of presenting the Kabbalah, and they have certainly succeeded at publicizing it. You should make your own decisions -- but watch your boundaries, and be mindful of the container you are entering.

8. And what about Chabad? Besides the Kabbalah Center, the most prominent organization teaching Kabbalah is the Chabad-Lubavitch sect of Hasidism. For many people, Chabad's messianism is an instant turnoff -- a large portion of the sect believes their deceased rebbe to be the messiah. But there is more to Chabad than messianism, and within Chabad you will find many very learned teachers of Kabbalah (as well as some who seem to be learned, but actually know hardly anything). Chabad, ideologically, has the mission of bringing Jews back to Judaism; they do want you to be "more religious," and they'll only teach you if you're Jewish. So, know that going in, and know that the degree to which this matters varies from teacher to teacher. Some will really try to persuade you to take on religious observance right away. Others never will. You'll have to see for yourself.

One aspect of Chabad that does not vary, though, is its essentially conservative view of Kabbalah. Shimon bar Yochai wrote the Zohar. The Torah is absolutely the word of God. There is no difference between Talmudic and Kabbalistic Judaism. These are all very contentious positions (to say the least), but they are gospel truth within traditional circles, and Chabad, for all its outreach, mysticism, and relative worldliness, is very much a traditional circle. There is a great deal of joy and knowledge within Chabad, and also much to question and observe. Know what you're getting into, but keep your mind open as well; in a way, the process of learning Kabbalah is itself Kabbalah.

These are some basic principles if you choose to go looking for a Kabbalah teacher. I have decided not to list specific teachers I "endorse" here, for fear of stepping into a pile of controversy. But I think the general principles above can be helpful. Don't be deterred, though. Whether you're flying off to Tsfat to chant at the Ari's gravesite, or just taking a class at your local JCC, there is a wonderful literature, and a remarkable set of practices, awaiting you. More to come next week!

An Introduction To Kabbalah, Part 1: What Is Kabbalah?

An Introduction to Kabbalah, Part 2: God Does Not Exist, God is Existence Itself

An Introduction To Kabbalah, Part 3: Three Answers To The Ultimate Question

An Introduction To Kabbalah, Part 4: Kabbalah As A Spiritual Practice

Jenny Block: Barney Was Wrong: You're Not So Special

2009-11-27T21:03:49Z

This is for everyone who insists on cutting drivers off on the highway. This is to the plumber who never shows. This is for the doctor who thinks two hours in the waiting room is reasonable. This is to the moms who hold up the carpool lane. This is for the guy with 20 items in the 12 items or less line. This is for the smokers who stand 25 feet outside of the smoking area. And this is for anyone who thinks they don't have to follow the rules like the rest of us.

I'm afraid the land of PCism and Barney has created a bit of a debacle. All the junk about everyone is special? It means you're no worse than anyone else. It does not - I repeat does not - mean you are better than anyone else.

All in one week I waited through five light cycles while cars cut off various drivers in front of me. I waited five days for a plumber who never returned my calls. I waited for a doctor's appointment I'd had scheduled for six months. And I wasted morning after morning in the carpool lane behind the idiot mom in front of me who stopped twenty-five feet shy of the appropriate stopping point so her precious darling wouldn't have to walk those same twenty-five feet in the gorgeous, sunny, 72 degree weather.

I'm exhausted. I'm exhausted from following up, fixing up, and waiting for all those people who think their lives are so much more important than mine, so much more important that they can waste my time at every turn. I know, I know. The doctors are under the gun to see more patients because of the evil insurance companies. The plumber is good at plumbing not customer service. And that mom might be new to carpool. I don't care. I don't care. I really don't. Because ultimately it isn't really about any of that.

What it is about is civility, rules and respect. It's not that hard. Wait your turn. Watch the clock. Don't take more than you can use. Think about someone - anyone - other than yourself. I know times are tough. But they are only made tougher when selfishness rules the day.

Poor old Sarah Palin is the perfect example of this dilemma. You know, if Sarah Palin wasn't so full of herself, she wouldn't be making such a fool of herself. A book full of lies. A tour full a disappointed fans. A career built on falsehood and a wink. A wardrobe, travel, and who knows what else paid for with money she helped herself to despite having no right to. You must think an awful lot of yourself, Ms. Palin, and very little of those constituents you claim to care for, stealing from them like that.

Someone told Ms. Palin she was special just a few too many times. Read a paper, sweetie. Keep your facts straight. Look around. You're part of this world. Not above it. Not even an inch. I'm begging you. Set a good example and give it up, please. You're just another hockey mom with her share of mistakes. Look at your knocked up teen and your centerfold almost-son-in-law. Geez Louise. Palin is the perfect example of someone whose life would be much better if it were lived on the ground and off the high horse.

I'm a regular gal, just like the rest of you. There's stuff I'm good at and even more stuff I'm not so good at. I've had my share of triumphs and made my share of mistakes. I want to get home to make dinner too. I have a job to do too. I have a child I love too. That's just it. We're all the same. No better. No worse. The same. Barney was wrong. You're not so special. So get back in line. Read that sign. Watch the time. Stay in your lane. Count your items. Slow down. Wait your turn. And, please, please learn the rules before you enter the carpool line.

Michael Shermer: Theism v. Atheism: I'm A Realist, Not An "Accommodationist"

2009-11-27T18:36:37Z

On the 150th anniversary of the publication of Charles Darwin's On the Origin of Species (Tuesday, November 24) I wrote an invited opinion editorial for CNN.

The title, "Religion, Evolution can Live Side by Side," was written by the CNN editors, but it does capture the thrust of the piece, as it seems to me that believers who accept Newton's theory of gravity as the means by which God creates stars, planets, solar systems, galaxies, and universes, can just as readily accept Darwin's theory of evolution as the means by which God creates life.

Perhaps predictably, there have been critics responding on both sides, most notably the estimable Jerry Coyne, the author of one of the best books ever written on the subject, Why Evolution is True, who on his web page of the same title called me an "accommodationist" and even a "faitheist" (not sure what that is--"faith atheist"? but it's clever!) Anyway, Jerry is "disappointed" in me and wonders if I've gone soft in the brain because of a Templeton Foundation sponsorship. Read it here.

The responses to Jerry's blog have been interesting, and sometimes amusing:

"What Shermer is trying to make peace with are sensible moderate theists, not fundamentalists. It is the people in the middle, not those on the fringes, who will, ultimately, determine the virulence of religion and irreligion. Shermer is trying to reduce religion's virulence, not embracing fundamentalist ownership of the Bible, and it's ridiculous interpretations of it. Shermer is right to reclaim the Bible as part of the Western cultural patrimony, and not leave it to fundamentalists to tell us what it means, and the implications to be drawn from it."

"Michael Freakin' Shermer's heart is not pure enough for Jerry Coyne. If Jerry Falwell's circle of orthodoxy was, say, 1 meter in radius, then His Worshipfulness The Right Reverend Jerry Coyne's circle of orthodoxy has a radius of, roughly, a Planck Length."

For the record, I am not sponsored by Templeton, and I've never received a grant or fellowship of any kind from them. They did pay me to write and edit some articles for them (work-for-pay is okay!), but insisted that I could say anything I wanted and could invite anyone I like to contribute to an essay collection, including Christopher Hitchens and Steve Pinker (to answer the question "Does science make belief in God obsolete?").

What is the right way to respond to theists and/or theism? That is the question asked at every atheism/humanism conference I've attended the past several years. The answer is simple: there is no one "right way." There are multiple ways, all of which work, depending on the context. Sometimes a head-on, take-no-prisoners, full-frontal assault á la Richard Dawkins, Christopher Hitchens, or Jerry Coyne is the way to go. Sometimes a more conciliatory approach á la Carl Sagan, Stephen Jay Gould, or your humble servant is best. It all depends on the context and what you are trying to accomplish. When I debate creationists -- whether of the Young Earth, Old Earth, or the Intelligent Design species -- I try to take a Dawkinsonian/Coyneian approach and slam-dunk their flawed arguments and duplicitous claims without an ounce of accommodationism (although I am, by nature and upbringing, polite and respectful). Christopher Hitchens's recent body slam he and Stephen Fry gave the Catholic Church for its stance on women's rights, birth control, and Third World poverty would have brought tears to my eyes had I not been cheering so fervently.

On the other hand, if it is our goal to educate everyone on earth to the power and wonders of science (as it is the Skeptics Society and www.skeptic.com) and to employ science to solve social, political, economic, medical and environmental problems (as it is my personal goal), then we need as many people as we can get on board with a common goal, whatever it may be (starvation in Africa, disease in India, poverty in South America, global warming everywhere ... pick your battle). If you insist that people of faith renounce every last ounce of their beliefs before they are allowed to join the common fight against these scourges of humanity, you have just alienated the vast majority of the world's population from your project.

To what end? So you can stand up tall and proud and proclaim " ... but I never gave an inch to those faith heads!"? Well good for you! Just keep on playing "Nearer my Atheism to Thee" while the ship of humanity slips further into the depths of disaster.

Sometimes religion is the problem, but usually it is something else -- local political battles, governmental corruption, lack of education, resource depletion, currency debasement, inflation, poverty, etc. Don't forget the bigger picture of what we're trying to accomplish through science and reason: a better life for all humanity. Pick your battles carefully and choose your strategy wisely.

Mark Goulston, M.D.: Nov. 27: National Day of Listening

2009-11-27T18:20:14Z

One of the best things about being truly thankful -- as I hope many of us were yesterday on Thanksgiving -- is that it enables us to come from a place of abundance vs. scarcity. When we are thankful and grateful, our cup runneth over and life feels more hopeful and full of possibility. Running on full vs. running on empty also enables us to deeply listen to others and it is when we deeply listen to others that we demonstrate caring.

I'm sure most of you don't know it, but today, November 27 is the 2nd annual National Day of Listening.

In 2008, StoryCorps launched the first annual National Day of Listening. On this day, they encouraged people across the country to record and share conversations with loved ones and neighbors using their Do-It-Yourself materials. The tradition continues this year as StoryCorps reached out again to schools, libraries, and service organizations to bring listening to their communities, using StoryCorps' free Education and Community Service Toolkits.

StoryCorps is an independent nonprofit whose mission is to honor and celebrate one another's lives through listening. Since 2003, more than 50,000 Americans have interviewed family and friends through StoryCorps, making it one of the largest oral history projects of its kind.

One of the things that makes it easy for me to listen is when I hear memorable quotes that cause me to pause, because my mind wants to savor them. A wonderful list of of some great quotes on the topic of listening were gathered by Kenya McCullum from the Los Angeles Examiner as follows:

1. "You do not need to leave your room. Remain sitting at your table and listen. Do not even listen, simply wait. Do not even wait, be quiet still and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked, it has no choice, it will roll in ecstasy at your feet." -Franz Kafka
2. "Go right on and listen as thou goest."
-Dante Alighieri

3. "Whoever obeys the gods, to him they particularly listen."
-Homer

4. "Of course the music is a great difficulty. You see, if one plays good music, people don't listen, and if one plays bad music people don't talk."
-Oscar Wilde

5. "I'll not listen to reason...reason always means what someone else has got to say."
-Elizabeth Gaskell

6. "We doctors know
a hopeless case if--listen: there's a hell
of a good universe next door; let's go."
-E.E. Cummings

7. "[On the nightingale] Lord Zeus, listen to the little bird's voice; he has filled the whole thicket with honeyed song."
-Aristophanes

8. "Why does the muse only speak when she is unhappy?
She does not, I only listen when I am unhappy."
-Stevie Smith

9. "With your whole body, with your whole heart, with your whole conscience, listen to the Revolution....This is the music everyone who has ears should hear."
-Alexander Blok

10. "It is wise to listen, not to me but to the Word, and to confess that all things are one."
-Heraclitus

11. "Bore, n.: A person who talks when you wish him to listen."
-Ambrose Bierce

12. "All the problems of the world are caused by people who do not listen."
-Franco Zeffirelli

13. "It takes a great man to make a good listener."
-Sir Arthur Helps

14. "The difference between listening and pretending to listen, I discovered, is enormous. One is fluid, the other is rigid. One is alive, the other is stuffed. Eventually, I found a radical way of thinking about listening. Real listening is a willingness to let the other person change you."
-Alan Alda

To these I will add one of my favorite quotes of all time:
"The purest form of listening is to listen without memory or desire."
-Wilfred Bion

Fortune's Stanley Bing: Your Country Needs You! Go Shopping!

2009-11-27T17:31:40Z

Pick up those new GPS systems, now on sale at Best Buy, Wal-Mart and other fine stores for under $100!

Don't forget that flat-screen TV that's suddenly within your price range!

Remember to stop by the gigundo superstore to stock up on potato chips, lawn furniture and frozen shrimp!

Swing by the enormous drugstore! Get medicine! Print 100 pictures for only $1.00! While you're there, load up on toys, nostrums and personal care products! The holidays are almost here!

Hit the department store for panty hose, shoes, perfume, purses, and those fabulous studded denims you've had your eye on -- they're all on sale today only!

On your way home, stop by your local American automobile dealership and nab a new Ford, Chevy or Chrysler! Terms are great! Quality has never been better!

If you're an investment banker, kick the tires on an underperforming entity! You'll be glad you did!

Somewhere out there in this great, shining land of ours, there's a product, service or asset waiting for you! We've been in the doldrums far too long! Make Black Friday lead to Black Saturday and then Black Sunday and then a tsunami of Black Weekdays! Get out there and express your love of all that's good and strong about our nation! Let's commerce ring!

David Suissa: Finding The Courage To Be Grateful

2009-11-27T16:13:08Z

It's one thing to know what to do; it's another thing to be able to do it. We know we are supposed to be grateful for all of life's blessings. We know that when hardship or tragedy strikes, we're supposed to keep our chins up and try to transform tragedy into action - turn negatives into positives, move forward no matter what, and so on.

But over the past few weeks, it dawned on me that gratitude is a lot easier said than done. We can talk about this virtue and easily buy into it, but when reality strikes, it's another story.

This hit home the other night at a memorial service for a 3-year-old girl who was run over by a school bus in Jerusalem. The girl's extended family in Los Angeles, close friends of mine, asked me to say a few words. I had no idea what to say. I got up in front of 300 people and told them exactly that: I have no clue what to say.

I was in no mood to "spin" the situation and hand over the clichés of transformation and gratitude. Sure, there are always blessings to be thankful for, but how can anything alleviate such a singular and unspeakable loss?

A few nights later, I attended a fundraiser at A Cow Jumped Over the Moon, a kosher restaurant and music club on Rodeo Drive, for the manager, Sacha Chalom Louza, who recently underwent surgery to remove a brain tumor. Louza is a Sephardic Jew who prays at the Chabad of South La Cienega (known as SOLA), and his friends in the community are raising money to help cover his living expenses while he undergoes treatment.

At the fundraiser, the SOLA rabbi got up and spoke powerfully about the Jewish way of reacting to tragedy and hardships. He mentioned the worldwide efforts to commemorate the murders a year ago of the Chabad emissaries in Mumbai, Rabbi Gavriel and Rivka Holtzberg, and how Chabad was aiming to transform that atrocity into a positive force for the world. Yet as he spoke, I couldn't help thinking about the parents of the murdered couple and wondering what kind of "transformation" or "gratitude" could possibly alleviate their loss.

A third event also made me think about the difficulty of gratitude. A couple of weeks ago, our family hosted about 40 special needs kids, along with teenage volunteers and some parents, for a Friday night meal. They were all part of Etta Israel, a local organization that helps kids with Down syndrome, autism and other special needs.

At the end of the evening, as we were all saying our goodbyes, one of the more severely disabled kids kept making a "phone me" sign toward me. He wanted me to call him and stay in touch. As I looked at his forlorn face, again I thought: What does this kid have to be thankful for?

As things would have it, something did happen that night that helped me see things in a broader light. By some divine coincidence, the grandfather of the 3-year-old girl killed in Jerusalem was in my neighborhood that Shabbat, and he ended up joining us for the Friday night meal. Knowing that he was in deep mourning, I was uncomfortable at first. But then he told me the story of how the Lubavitcher Rebbe, while mourning his beloved wife, was able to "switch off" his grief during Shabbat because the mitzvah of joy transcended everything.

Well, my friend was able to emulate his Rebbe. Surrounded by the loud and happy Etta Israel kids, he switched from his state of mourning to a state of Shabbat joy. As I watched him sing and tell stories of the biblical patriarchs, I saw a transformation that came not from a self-help cliché, but from the story of a 5,000-year-old tradition.

It struck me that perhaps this idea of having our own story is itself transformational.

Just like we can draw strength from the master story of the Jewish people, we each have our own stories that we can nurture and shape and draw strength from. As Rabbi Naomi Levy told me a few days ago, while talking about a new book she is writing, some of these stories are more difficult or tragic than others, some are easier, but for better or for worse they are our stories - the stories that we are called upon to make our own.

As we live out these stories, we make choices. We can choose to rally a community and help a friend with a brain tumor; we can choose to give a few hours of joy to a group of kids with special needs; and we can learn to appreciate the gifts of our tradition, which include a day of the week that can transcend the deepest grief.

Maybe, then, this is the blessing that we have to be most grateful for: the very idea that we each have a story we can call our own, and that we have the power to shape and influence that story - even if we can never write its ending.

Stanton Peele: Addiction, Recovery, And American Health Policy

2009-11-27T15:46:30Z

America is a country that worships personal tales of redemption. If public figures are caught out drunk or on drugs, cheating on their wives, then they quickly head off to Betty Ford or Hazelden, apologize to their families and constituents, and promise not to stray or drink again. And we forgive them.

This process derives from America's revival tradition. At the revival meeting, people rise and denounce the evil of their former ways, declare themselves saved, and commit themselves to God.

This was the format of the Temperance lecture that dominated the nineteenth century American landscape. And the Temperance confession is still with us in the form of Alcoholics Anonymous. For those of you who have been missing your 12-step meetings, here are selected steps to practice at home (note the presence of God, and the absence of alcohol):

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

Although such penitence is repeated nightly around the country, these stories conflict with rational public policy. According to the latest government research (called NESARC), 30 percent of Americans at some point in their lives qualify for an "alcohol use disorder." But, within four years, 70 percent recover without AA's or Betty Ford's help.

Others take longer. But only 1 percent of Americans fit the model of the AA members whose drinking carries them to the doors of hell and from which only God can rescue them. Among 300,000,000 Americans, that's 3 million people. But 90 million Americans develop a different sort of drinking problem.

Many entertainment figures had bad drinking periods (Bing Crosby, Robert Redford, Steve Martin, Joe Scarborough) and cut back - the typical problem-drinking profile. We don't hear much about them because they - and millions of others with similar stories - don't go on lecture tours to tell their tales. Craig Ferguson's compelling testimony about his dead-end alcoholism on You Tube, on the other hand, has had a million-and-a-half views. How can you top that?

Nonetheless, for the first time - due to the NESARC research - government officials are questioning received opinion. Dr. Mark Willenbring, director of treatment and recovery research at the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism, declared: alcoholism "can be a chronic, relapsing disease. But it isn't usually." Thus, intensive treatment addresses a miniscule part of America's substance abuse problems. (Disclosure: I have created an abstinence-oriented treatment program.)

The limits of public testimony for determining American health policy also appear in yet another declaration of a learned council that cancer screening is overutilized. Up to 1,900 women must be screened ten years in their 40s in order to prevent one death from breast cancer. But, along with all that irradiation, 1,000 false warnings will be generated from such testing leading to biopsies and other procedures that create their own dangers.

If you talk to the one in 1,900 women whose life was saved by screening - there are plenty, and I can't compete against them - you determine that there is no way America can better spend its finite health care allotment. But there are actually many more productive, less harmful, more life-saving ways to spend that money - including even for cancer prevention.

Someone has to make these choices. America can listen to one of two groups - health economists and oncologists and internists like those making up the government panel recommending scaling back breast cancer screening, or people who swear that screening is the best use of our health care budget because it worked for them.

While we're at it, we can treat every kid caught with a reefer or who gets drunk as though he or she had a lifetime disease. After all, you can find very moving and convincing stories of people who claim that being forced into AA at age 15 saved their lives. But it's craziness to do so, even though we won't hear the far more frequent stories of people who were scarred by such experiences.

Daniel Heimpel: Of Bricks And Boomerangs: Social Worker's Tuitions And California's Prisons

2009-11-27T15:46:30Z

Last week, I decided that a little stand had to be made, a brick had to be thrown at the wall. In this case it was the UC Regents, who were deciding on a tiny fee increase that shows the unbelievable shortsightedness in our collective scale of priorities. To save money the UC System was about to raise undergraduate tuition by 32 percent, in addition to hiking fees for professional degrees.

The logic on the latter seemed sound enough. The Bureau of Labor Statistics found that the average California lawyer earns $143,850 a year, a physician earns $142,620 and a financial manger with an MBA from Anderson or Haas earns $122,480. Upping tuition on these guys seems understandable, as the logic goes: even if they have to take crushing loans they will be able to pay them off after only a short stint as wage slaves.

But this is where things get insidious. Lawyers, doctors and businessmen were only three of 44 professional programs that the Regents were threatening with Professional Differential Fees (PDFs). The lowest earning category of these programs are students of social work, who will now have to pay an additional $4,000 and $5,199 annually at UC Berkley and UCLA respectively. This will be at least a 50% increase on straight tuition for people who can hope to earn an average of $51,070 a year. This means that their indentured servitude to the banks will spool out for years, adding to the stress of trying to make the lives of the homeless, the hurting and the parentless all the more nerve wracking.

Worried that the stressed and overworked social workers I have come into contact with as a journalist covering the Department of Children and Family Services would be further strained, I marched myself down to the UC Regents meeting at UCLA. Hordes of angry undergrads threatened to bowl over a formidable crew of Sheriffs, UCLA Police and LAPD decked out in riot gear, their batons shining with the same white on black glint as their helmets. I used my press pass to get past the police line and walked into the large open room where the regents were meeting.

I put my name down on a list for public comment and stood when called. I followed an angry teacher's assistant who represented all the UC teacher's assistants as she cut into the Regents for the steep slashes to her and her colleagues' salaries.

She finished and I stepped to the mic and looked out. Before me on tables 20-people across sat a handful of Los Angeles County Supervisors, the white-haired Regents, a bank of media and the Speaker of the CA Assembly, Karen Bass, who I respect very much.

"My name is Daniel Heimpel," I said "I am a journalist, and if you excuse the expression, I'm going rogue." As I said this another disgruntled UC worker yelled, "you go rogue!" Emboldened, but with a shaking voice, I told the Regents exactly what I thought. That social workers are the front line in holding up this state and nation's creaking foster care system. That they are vital to our future in that they care for our most vulnerable children and that disincentivizing them from higher education in any way was an affront to the very tenants of a public institution.

There, my brick had been flung. But the wall pushed forward and the Regents implemented the PDFs, discouraging the most needed professionals in our society. It didn't surprise me; this is a culture wherein a Barista at Starbucks earns more than the attendant at a group home, where a salesman at Best Buy earns about as much as social worker with a graduate degree who made the poor economic choice of following their righteous intent to work with children who have endured abuse and neglect.

That night I went to an event put on by Generation for Change, a group of Yuppies that had been effective fundraisers for Obama, at a slightly pompous restaurant on Sunset Boulevard. The honored guest was the former, and assuredly future, California Governor Jerry Brown. Brown, with his hawkish features, wooed the crowd with his undeniable, off-the-cuff charisma.

He mixed this charm with truths not often enough said to the delight of the crowd. His best point was that while California used to spend as much as 16 percent of the budget on higher education, today that spending is on par with that of prisons. "It is one-to-one, and that is a tragedy," he said.

After Brown spoke I pulled the brick back out of my pocket and walked over. I congratulated him on his incumbent victory and told him that his point on prison spending was telling. It was then that I realized that the brick was a boomerang now coming full circle. I told Mr. Brown that some surveys showed as many as 70 percent of California inmates had spent some time in foster care. "If you want to get the numbers of inmates down spend money on foster kids." He looked at me and said that getting money for them is hard to do.

I nodded, that's the problem.

Esther Wojcicki: Black Friday Report From Silicon Valley: Stores Jammed At 5 A.M.

2009-11-27T15:24:44Z

I consider myself an experienced Black Friday shopper, having gotten up at 4 am the day after Thanksgiving for years to shop the bargains. But I have never seen a Black Friday like the one today -- November 27, 2009.

There were more people lined up to get into Walmart in Mountain View, CA (Silicon Valley) than I could have ever imagined -- more than 1,000. They circled the building on both sides and in front. They were even there an hour after opening, because this year they limited the number of people in the store. People just kept on coming and coming.

All the other stores at San Antonio Shopping Center were jammed too---Kohl's, Sears, Target and others. Jammed at 5:05 am Amazing. I couldn't even find a parking place in a huge lot and the stores had just opened. Same crowded conditions at Stanford Shopping Center just three miles down the road with stores like Macy's, Bloomingdale's, Ann Taylor, Pottery Barn. I didn't even try Best Buy in Mountain View because there was a traffic jam getting into the lot.

So if there is a recession, maybe it is over judging by all the people who were there with money to spend. When I finally got into Target, people were running (yes, running) to get the 32" Westinghouse TV (gone by the time I found them) and the TomTom GPS (also gone). Hundreds of people with packed shopping carts were waiting in line.

I couldn't go home empty handed so I bought a nice fleece jacket at Target for only $15 (also on sale, but not yet discovered by the mobs) and some toys that were not on sale because the Leap Frog Frig Magnets were already sold out.

I should have guessed that something like this was afoot because on Thanksgiving night, I got an email at about 7 pm from friendly Walmart announcing more online bargains. By the time I went online to check two hours later, everything I wanted (electronics) was all sold out. Yep, gone and I had just gotten the email.

So, maybe this is the beginning of a good shopping season signaling an end to the recession. It is the first time I can remember being happy to see so many people in the stores at 5 am competing with me for the bargains.

Serena Yuan Volpp, M.D.: Marriage Equality: Not Just For Today's Adults

2009-11-27T15:06:54Z

The other day, my friend Sandra and her daughter Maya were talking about growing up. Sandra told her daughter, "Honey, when you grow up, I know you'll find a nice boy to marry who will love you." Maya, who is eight years old, replied, "But Mom, I could marry a girl."

Sandra stood corrected. They live in Massachusetts. Same-sex marriage has been legal in Massachusetts for over five years now, and the law has begun to affect the way children and adolescents are able to envision their domestic futures. Of course, Maya is not old enough to understand what the concepts of heterosexuality and homosexuality really mean. Whether or not she herself grows up to be gay, she already has a wider view of the world's possibilities than do many of the grown-ups around her.

When do kids become aware that they are gay or lesbian? Kids who grow up to be gay don't wake up one day at age 12 or 13 and say, "Hey, I'm gay!" Recognizing one's own sexuality is a long and often challenging process. When kids grow up in a world that assumes everyone will grow up to be heterosexual, those kids who grow up to be gay, lesbian, or bisexual face extra developmental challenges. Kids taunt each other on the playground with the word "faggot" without fully understanding or thinking about what that word means. That affects a kid's self esteem when -- sometimes years later -- he connects that word, and the pain of being teased, with sexual or romantic feelings he or she has for someone of the same sex.

That point is underscored by a study published earlier this year in the medical journal Pediatrics, which helped to illustrate the relationship between lack of acceptance and harm to mental health. The research showed that lesbian, gay and bisexual adolescents growing up in families who did not accept them as gay were nine times more likely to feel suicidal, five and a half times more likely to be depressed, and three and a half times more likely to use illegal drugs compared to kids whose families were more accepting.

Marriage equality can change society so that peers -- and parents -- can, if not embrace, accept homosexuality as part of the world in which we live. Massachusetts, Connecticut, Vermont, Iowa, and New Hampshire now allow same-sex marriage. Same-sex marriage laws are on the table in New Jersey, New York, and the District of Columbia. Despite the recent loss in Maine, the issue continues to move forward.

To be sure, some people may cringe at the thought of kids growing up more accepting of homosexuality. Might this tolerance lead to more gay and lesbian adults in the future? Research does not support such ideas.

Numerous studies of children growing up with same-sex parents have concluded that these children are no more likely to grow up to be gay or lesbian than are children raised by heterosexual parents. What they are more likely to be is open and accepting of the possibility of homosexuality or bisexuality in themselves or others. And the recent study in Pediatrics suggests that this tolerance will be good for the mental health of the gay, lesbian, and bisexual friends and family members that these children will surely encounter.

Same-sex marriage laws will benefit not only adults in committed relationships today, but also kids who don't yet know what being gay, lesbian, or bisexual means. Kids who grow up to be gay adults will have the chance to grow up in a world that accepts them as full members, and their straight friends, family members, co-workers, and neighbors will be more prepared to live in an ever-more diverse world.